Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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