she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
