My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
