Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i think my cat just said my name.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
