is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
