Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
