why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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