I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize