I hate your face
we have pet lesbian snakes
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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