I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
