so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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