i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize