FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
