Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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