You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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