I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Let's get the cat blown out
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
