If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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