Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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