____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
