Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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