last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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