I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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