smell my finger.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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