I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
