What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
