I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize