All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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