FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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