Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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