I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
