last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
