It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
