The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
