Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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