I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
