he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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