Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
