mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
