can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
