Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
