So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
