You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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