So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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