she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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