Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
