I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
