i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
