And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
