I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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