my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we're making bets on your personal life
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Randomize