Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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