you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
