So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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