you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
