this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
