Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
