this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
