there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
